Just when things were getting good.

I wish the world could understand how difficult it is to be a girl. The world is against me. I believe I am a pretty decent fucking person. Yet this ridiculousness keeps coming up. I wish I could change the past but I cant. You did what you did. At this point all I can do is either say "Fuck you, you fucking prick, you lied and disrespected me." OR I can choose to stay,accept your apology, and move on. I choose the second. Not because I fully forgive you (there is plenty of anger and unhappiness inside) but because I love you. I think we've got a shot as something really great here. I believe that things will one day go back to the way they were. You broke my heart. But lucky for you I see myself as a strong enough person to pick up the pieces and put us back together. You say you don't deserve me. Your right, you don't. But now is your time to prove that maybe one day you will. If I'm your light, prove it. You tell me trust is your biggest issue, hypocrite. You lied to me and withheld information. I always told you I would earn your trust with my actions and words. I never questioned yours until now.
I was reminded recently of the story of the scorpion and the frog. Please dont be that scorpion, but if you are, atleast we're going down together. Being angry and in love with someone all at the same time is on of the most stressful things. I want to say mean things to you and hurt you, but alas my heart does not allow it.
I love you and we'll fix this, but Im going to need your help.

Saturday Night Lights

Here I am at home on a Saturday, snowed in. Terrible. I absolutely despise the snow. No good comes from it at all. Well atleast not in my eyes. I should probably be taking advantage of this day being productive. But when I looks outside its just dark and depressing. This in turn makes me tired and lack any sort of motivation. Please just stop snowing. I feel like thats not too much to ask for.
Life is going good. Nothing to interesting or crazy going on. I basically spend my time working and being around the people I care about. I cant really complain about anything. So I wonder why I constantly and sitting around waiting for something. What am I waiting for? How long till I find it? Should I be looking? Change is in order. And I cant sit around waiting for change to come to me. I wish I could find a job I truely enjoy that allows me to live comfortably. Unless I go back to school, I dont see that happening. School........Expensive....Confusing...Necessary. Id like to go back but I have no idea how I would pay for it. Which brings me to money. The root of all evil in life. Money ruines lives, relationships, and the world. If the devil were to take a physical form it would be a large amount of money. Evil isnt hell,satan, or demons. Evil is money, greed, power, lust, jealousy and revenge. Things I feel we see all to often in this life. But enough ranting about that.
Looking threw this blog and ones Ive kept before this one would think I am a negative person who is unhappy. Thats just not true. I consider myself to be a very happy person. I just use my blogs and journals as an outlet to vent. I mean it has be healthier than taking this anger out on others.
Hmmmmm......I believe this is all I have today. Lets see how long it takes for me to update this again.
Side note: Ive got something to say....and I believe its true....but is it too soon?
Ill hold on to this for a little while longer. Feel out the situation a little more.
By the way the picture at top I thought it was cute. Oh my little monster Frankenstein.

The importance of caring

Im re-reading The Great Gatsby and I can say I have a much better appreciation for it now these six years later. I dont think I really cared too much for it in high school or really had the patience for it. Now I enjoy the depth that Fitzgerald went into when describing everything. With age comes patience and understanding.

On another note, Friendsgiving was a complete success and probably one of the best nights in my year. One really cant ask for more than good food, good people, good booze, and good conversation. Met a few new people, very nice. I find myself not having as much trouble introducing myself to new people in social situations. I used to be that person who only spoke to the people I knew or no one if I didnt know anyone. Atleast that is one good thing that has come from growing up. I did end up spending the night in Richmond that evening. Between the enire bottle of wine I consumed and the turkey I was spent by 10:30. Ah the joys of being a 6o year old woman stuck in a 23 year olds body. The joy of sleep. Dont get me wrong though, I suffer from my fair share of insomnia. I find it quite annoying and would like to knick that one in the butt as soon as possible. Sleeping pills are no good. They make me feel disoriented the next day.

Though I was surrounded by a lot of nice people on Sunday only a handful of them I could honestly say are close friends. I do enjoy the company of all of them, but I am in need of more people to hang out with here in Fredericksburg. Joanna cant really go out with the baby and I really cant expect Mike to hang out with me every night. Even if thats how I feel it should be. I need someone who wants to just come over and sit around and talk with me, have a few drinks, and maybe even watch a movie or two. What Im saying is I need a best friend who can always be there. Someone who doesnt have the responsibility of anther person, someone who needs a guys night or is unwilling to open up to me, someone who doesnt go to school an hour away. I need a partner in crime. In Utah I had plenty of those. I had Christina, Katie, and Brenna. They were always around just to be there. I hate being alone. I find it annoying and sad. Being alone with my own thoughts depresses me and makes me feel like there isnt really one person who needs me. I think maybe thats what Im looking for. Someone who truely needs me and doesnt mind spending every day with me. Hmmm I guess Ill just keep looking. But if you are someone who is interested in spending lots of quality time with me, going on walks, talking all night, and not betraying me let me know. Id prefer a female, I find them much easier to talk to. When I say that Im looking for someone I dont mean sexually in anyway. I just need someone to sit and talk with me. Perhaps I should just hire a shrink. Haha. Ok well enough of this glum.

Friendsgiving

Friendsgiving is today! Yay! I am currently getting ready. Then I will go buy food, clean my car, wait for michael, and then drive down to richmond for the festivities. Ill try to take lots of pictures. Mmmmmm Food!

Its 11:20 am and I am just waking up. Long night last nite. Im not very excited I have work at 1 and work tom (sat) from 10 to 615. Laaaaame. What i am excited for is buying a dress tom after work and Friendsgiving on Sunday. What could be better than food, booze, and good company. Unfortunately I have no idea what to bring food wise. Poop. I was going to bring green bean cassarole but that as already been taken. Perhaps Ill make more? You can never have too much and I do love the stuff.
Note to self: Dont forget the table you said you would bring down.
On another note sometimes I feel like I dont know where my head is these days. I think i need to start making some better decisions so that I dont end up doing something really stupid.
Lately Ive been thinking about a few people that havent been in my life for a while. People who werent even in my life for very long. But I miss them and wonder what are they doing now? Are they happy? Hmm who knows. I hope I do run into them later on in life. Though I have realized when I run into people from my past its usually people I dont care to see. Thanks world.
My puppy Frankie is in his chewing phase and bones just dont seem to be enough these days. I need some of that bitter apple spray so he doesnt chew anything big, important, or expensive. I think I need to buy him some new toys as well. He seems a little bored with the ones he has.
Ok well its time for me to jump in the shower so I can face the working world not smelling like a homeless person.
Hey you, yea you I wanna hang out tonight. Im in need of some affection.

Old Friend

Well where to I begin.....its been 10 months since Ive even looked at this blog. Everything here seems like it was just yesterday looking back on it too.
A lot has changed in the past 10 months. Things Ill discuss and things that Ill just keep in my closet of skeletons. So let me begin where I left off......
The drive back to Virginia was fantastic. I felt like I was on tour and I was the main attraction. Colorado was absolutely beautiful. Definately on my list of places to live. Hanging out with Daryl was actually much more fun than I expected it to be. I was slightly dissapointed that I smoked while I was out there. But hey I was on tour and you do things you normally wouldnt do right?
Texas. Oh my Texas. My time with Brenna was short but amazing. It always is. I dont even know how to describe how much I enjoy being around her and who I am around her. She makes me want to be a better person and I honestly think I am around her. In my opinion true love in my life has come in her form. Too bad Im not a lesbian or I would be set for life there. ; )
South Carolina......by the time I got there I had aquired a nasty cold. But I fought threw it and enjoyed myself. Katie my dear I dunno what it is but whenever the two of us get together trouble just seems to follow. I did get a flat tire in SC....lame. But needless to say after a few days rest there I continued my journey onto good ol Virginia. To my home.
I honestly really did enjoy my adventure driving back home. But being home....there was no greater feeling. When I got home I was at a crossroads in my life and was needing to make some very difficult decisions. Life altering decisions. In the end I believe I made the ones that were right for me. Dont get me wrong Ive had some times where I knew had I kept things the way they were my life would have been easier....but I wouldnt have been happy or living my own life.
The last 9 months since I have been home have been interesting to say the least. The friendships I expected to be so strong when I got home just arent holding up to the test of time as I had hoped. But on the flip side Ive brought some new people into my life that are doing me just fine. Dont get me wrong I still love all of my friends old and new. Just as we get older I feel like our personalities are growing apart and we're just not in the same place anymore.
As for where I am today. Im happy. I have my downs.....but I work threw them. This year has been a rollercoaster so Im just ready to get off and start a new year. There are a lot of personal things Ive had to work threw and that Im still working threw. I enjoyed my life in Utah (most of it), but I dont ever want to be that person again. I will never allow myself to be that person again. I will never allow someone else to make decisions for me. My life there literally took away a piece of me Ill never get back. I just hoping I can be as good a person as I can and fill that hole one day. Im not perfect. No one is. But ill keep my demons to myself.
But back to now. I work, I spend time with my friends, and I am truely starting to feel like myself again. I like who im starting be, this is the path I want to be on. Now lets hope I dont screw this up too.
I believe this will be it for now. I promise future post wont be this serious or depressing....well Ill try for them not to be. Hopefully it wont be another 10 months before I update this again.

Hello Again

So I like how I said I would keep up with this BUT as usual I didnt. I think its been about six months since my last update. Owell. Big chages are coming. Tomorrow morning I start driving back to VA for 5 months. Wa-hoo! Yes Virginia Ill be home in about a week. Ive got some stops to make. First in Colorado to stay with Daryl for a night (thank you very much, couldnt have made it to TX in one day) Than from CO to TX to see my wonderful wonderful Brenna. I miss her freakin face soo much. So ill be in Dallas for a few days. Than from there to SC to see my Katie Lady. Finally onward HOME! Ill be staying with my mom in Stafford. So if anyone wants to hang out. HIT ME UP!
Ive already got a job at the GameStop in Stafford Marketplace so Im pretty happy about that too. I hate job hunting. Fucking lame.
Now let me backtrack a little bit and let you all know my holidays were pretty great. Christmas and Thanksgiving I got to spend with some of my closest friends here. And katie made a bombass Green bean cassarole for TDay. I tried to make one for christmas but it just looked and tasted like vomit. Lame.
New Years was amazing too. I spent it with mostly GameStop people. We went to the West Valley Managers house. As usual there was no disappointment in the night. For some reason I looked like a Jewish girl that night. Darn my big nose.

Hmmm what else am I forgetting.
Oh yes Christina and I have officially joined the Twihard crowd. We read all the books, went to the midnight movie release, and saw the movie in theaters like 3 or 4 times now. I am always willing to see it again. March 21st its on DVD. Woo-hoo! Now heres where I get a little nerdy.
F Jacob Black most annoying character in the books. Edwards great BUT Jasper is better. GO TEAM JASPER! I loved who they picked to play James in the movie Cam Gigandet. Seriously one of the sexiest men alive, and I dont usually like blondes. Ok Im done nerding out. But yea if u havent seen it. Give it a chance you might actually like it.

Oh and Im way stoked on the next Harry Potter moving. Christina and I just watched all the other movies this weekend.